#I crave more mad science stories like this omg

[peterlorres21stcentury]

"Look what he's given us with his experimentation. A new kind of plant for our garden. But an expensive one to feed, huh?" :)

Sorry if this has been posted before, but I don't remember hearing this episode of "Nightmare"! I'm trying to collect them all, and fix their audio quality if necessary. This one is in pretty good shape after the first few minutes. It has everything I love: mad science gone wrong, a hungry carnivorous plant, and Peter Lorre narrating the gruesome tale (I wish he had played the role of the botanist, but that actor did a superb job approaching Peter's usual brand of soft-spoken creepiness).

I loved this one! I always sympathize with any mad scientist in stories like this, coming from a science background myself. In the wet lab, I did lovingly care for and talk to my little "pets," which included some not very cuddly things like eels, snails, and large polychaete worms. These toothy creatures terrified the new students every time I proudly displayed them. I can't imagine why. They didn't eat anyone... that I know of. :3

[ultravioletsoul]

Virgo Shaka x Reader - N/S/F/W Alphabet

Oh dear lawd, I’ve always found it a little (ok, terribly) difficult to imagine Shaka of all people in a romantic relationship. Out of the twelve gold saints, he’s probably the least likely to be in one. It was already too much effort for my brain to picture him holding hands with anyone, let alone expressing any interest in doing the do, but here I am… writing an adult post about him. 

I need to clarify that these headcanons are about Shaka post the Twelve Houses story arc. Honestly, he would have zero interest in anyone before that since he was a little of an arrogant and vain jerk or, if he did, he would be too proud to admit it because how can a god-like figure like him feel that way?? Ludicrous!

Anyways, yes, after the fight with Ikki (what an absolute mad lad that guy is, bless him), Shaka would be more open to the idea of a romantic relationship but I still feel it’d happen under some special circumstances. And he’s going to be a peculiar boyfriend.

This is a very belated birthday gift for an amazing friend because she loves Shaka, ever since I dragged her into Saint Seiya hell ♥♥. Forgive me if it’s terrible *le cri* 

Warnings: Sexual content. Possible OoC. Unbetaed. I have no idea how this happened. 

                                                             *  *  *

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex): 

Despite his serene appearance, how collected he acts around others, and the way he carefully reins in his emotions to the point he may come off as cold and detached, Shaka can be surprisingly caring and soft with you after an intimate session between the sheets.

Considering he would only do it with someone he deeply cares about and that it’s not a decision he’d take lightly (people just assumed he was asexual until they learned about you and then were confused as heck), you have to mean a lot to him.

So of course he wants to share the warm afterglow of lovemaking with you, lying together in complete bliss.

He may not be very talkative afterwards, but don’t take it as a sign he is troubled or displeased about something. Your most recent experience is still sinking in his mind and he’s not used to feeling so many strong emotions at once.

Little actions such as playing with your hair, kissing your forehead, letting you snuggle against him, or draping a protective arm around you to bring you closer, are ways in which he would show his affection.

He’d also like to make sure you’re both clean and refreshed before a good night’s rest so don’t be upset if he scoops you up in his arms and takes you straight for a warm bath. 

Just let him pamper you while he’s in the mood for some touching and cuddling ;)

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s):

Not actually a favorite part of his body, but he likes it when you gently run your fingers or place feathery kisses across his abdomen. If you tease him and “innocently” draw closer to his cock, he’s going to have hard time resisting you (no pun intended :v) and may turn the tables on you.

Shaka loves everything about you but his favorite part of your body would be your eyes because of the beauty of soul he sees in them. 

As a saint who fights to for Athena and justice, he knows there is evil in this world but you are a lotus flower growing in the mud. And it’s because of people like you why the goddess he serves believes humanity is worth saving.

He can easily get lost in them when he’s making love. It’s one of the few times he wouldn’t want to close his eyes and he would gently encourage you not to break eye contact either. He loves gazing into the depths of your soul as you both reach new heights of pleasure in each other’s arms.

Nothing but that moment with you matters to him. When you’re two alone in that room, you’re the only deity he worships in mind, body and soul.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically):

Sorry to break it to you guys, but Shaka wouldn’t do cum play or anything of the like.

He’d actually be weirded out if you even suggested the idea to him, and he wouldn’t understand what’s so attractive or exciting about it.

He’s a guy who has always been meticulous and methodical in everything he does given the teachings he’s received from his mentor (the Buddha :o). As someone who has engaged in lots of meditation to clear his mind from fears and doubts, personal hygiene and cleanliness are important to him, so he would prefer to keep the mess to a minimum if possible. So no, he isn’t in a hurry to see you doing stuff with his semen.

Shaka likes coming inside you. It’s the only place he ever wants to be when he makes love to you.

It’s a wonderful, intimate moment and he would hold you tightly against him as your souls mesh together into a single being.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs):

It has never interested him before but, after starting a relationship with you, out of curiosity, he might have read some texts on the subject of erotic love. It was for science, tho!

Now now, of course he isn’t oblivious to the intimate affairs of couples, and nobody has to explain to him how babies are made. You can rest assured Shaka knows perfectly well how sex works. 

He wants to be a better partner for you but, for all his knowledge and wisdom, he’s aware he’s not exactly the most versed man in such matters. 

Despite this, Shaka adamantly refuses to ask anyone for advice, so you bet he’s gonna do the research on his own. He can figure this out.

Shaka would keep it classy, however. Nothing pornographic or vulgar is acceptable. That’s not how he wants to treat you.

Shaka’s approach is purely analytical and educational, and he reads it all with a straight face. The others would never guess what he’s actually up to.

It’s a serious matter for him. He wants to make sure he’s got what it takes to make you happy not only on a physical but emotional level as well.

In the past, the thought of sex wouldn’t have even fazed him. Shaka cared very little about it and honestly he didn’t see what the appeal was.

He still doesn’t much care but when it comes to you, he’s not against the idea. 

Fine, he digs it.

But he’s a little embarrassed to admit it.

As someone who has trained to let go of his attachment for sensual pleasures and desires, it baffled him a little that the thought even crossed his mind.

That hasn’t stopped his curiosity for learning more about how to please you.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?):

Shaka is a virgin. Don’t @ me. 

That’s the real source of his power. Geddit? *fingers guns*

On a more serious note, it is no surprise that he’s not very experienced.

It’s not that he thinks sex is something dirty or bad per se. He just never had the time or any interest in the pursuit of such trivialities. Lust and sexual craving are not traps he would fall prey to. He devotes himself completely to his duty as a saint of Athena, and so he avoids distractions that would hinder the fulfillment of his mission.

You’d most likely get to be the first sexual experience he’s ever had and it’s no simple feat to seduce the man who’s closest to being a god. He believed himself to be above such worldly affairs until he met you and boy…

He was wrong once again.

Finding ecstasy in your arms is nothing short of divine.

Shaka would take his time to be intimate with you, though. He doesn’t do casual sex and needs to be absolutely certain of your feelings for each other first.

However, don’t let his virginal status fool you. He has made his research beforehand (see letter D), he has prepared and knows where to go.

If he doesn’t get it right the first time he’ll try again and again until he has you writhing in pleasure. His own satisfaction is secondary to yours.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying):

Lotus. I’m sorry for being so cliché OMG.

Pic (NSFW)

He spends a lot of time in this position when he meditates, so don’t be surprised if at some point he wants you to sit on his crossed legs and ride him.

Shaka would enjoy the intimacy and closeness this position provides. 

It’s not a position that allows for frenzied love-making, but that’s precisely why he likes it so much.

Buried deep inside your wet core, he can feel your heart beating against his chest in unison with his as he holds you in his protective embrace, and there’s nowhere else he would rather be.

He loves it when you shower small kisses on his face and happily surrender yourself to him.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.): 

The first times, Shaka would wear a serious expression because he’s concentrating on learning what you like, what makes you tick and curl your toes.

He’s studying you not just on a physical level. Intimacy is beyond simple carnal pleasure for Shaka. It’s a matter of spiritual connection.

He’ll get more playful and cocky (no pun intended) once he learns how to push your buttons.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.):

He doesn’t have a lot of body hair and always keeps his face clean, shaven and moisturized.

His nails are well trimmed. His hair nicely brushed and scented. His body devoid of bad smells. 

That being said, he’s not very hairy downstairs (he’s got mostly a patch of soft blond hair), but he keeps things well groomed. Shaka doesn’t like sloppiness.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect):

It’s gentle lovemaking with Shaka and nothing less.

However, he can get too caught up in the details and in delivering a good performance that it may be a little difficult for him to really get lost in the moment.

He’s too worried about being perfect and bringing you pleasure that he sometimes forgets about the most romantic aspects.

Reassuring him he’s doing a good job will put his mind at ease. Be appreciative of his efforts and give him your undivided attention.

He’ll be the most doting lover ever because sharing his bed and body with you are very special to him.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon):

Shaka has an unbelievable control over his sexual urges and, even if he’s in a relationship with you, that wouldn’t change a lot.

He doesn’t usually masturbate, even when he’s been deprived of your touch for long periods of time (which would be when he’s away on missions for the Sanctuary). He can handle it no problem.

That doesn’t mean you’re not on his mind. Shaka always thinks about you with the deepest love and respect.

Masturbating can never compare to the bliss he feels when you’re in his arms. It’s just empty pleasure and would leave him even more frustrated, aching for you.

He would rather show you how much he loves you and missed you the next time he gets to see you.

Mutual masturbation is something he wouldn’t mind doing, if given the chance.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks):

In all honesty, Shaka is not overly kinky and he’s perfectly content with vanilla sex.

However, he lowkey enjoys being dominated so if you flip him on his back and mount him, he’ll find it a nice game changer.

Ride that boy, seriously. He gets off on being a bottom and the sight of you enjoying yourself so much would drive him to the edge.

Tease him all you want, deny him release or keep him from touching you, he’ll endure it like a good boy.

But if you think you can run the show for too long, get ready because Shaka will get his due.

You’ll have to learn you can’t play dirty and expect him to show you mercy.

Bad girls like you deserve divine punishment  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

L = Location (favorite places to do the do):

He’s a bit old-fashioned, so he prefers the privacy and quiet of his own bedroom. Discretion is Shaka’s middle name.

It’s very practical and convenient too.

There’s no better place than his bed: clean, fresh, comfortable and quiet. He can relax and get in the mood without worrying about anything else.

He also won’t mind doing it on the floor, provided it’s pristine and there’s a plush mat with lots of cushions on it.

If he’s in your place, your bed and environment have to be clean and neat or else he’s not going to feel up for any sexy times.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going):

As someone who spends a lot of time inside his head, he needs a stimulating conversation to get him going.

It doesn’t even have to be sexual. You could ask him about his life as a saint or engage him in some philosophical talk. He’ll be happy to share his knowledge with you and will be interested in what you have to say.

Stroke his ego a little but don’t make it obvious.

On the other hand, witty banter turns him on, too. He’s got a sharp sense of humor but if you can turn around his jokes and roast him, leaving him speechless, he’ll want to get even through other means.

And you can imagine how  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Shaka loves foreplay. The more foreplay you have, the more aroused he’ll be. He can spend hours just kissing, cuddling and touching.

A nice bath with him can also get him in the mood. He’ll feel more comfortable if you’re both clean and fresh. It doesn’t matter if you’re about to get dirty again.

If during foreplay or sex you whisper sweet nothings in his ear and praise him, that’s a sure way to turn him on. Praise that boy if he’s doing an amazing job, he’ll try to do it even better.

On the other hand, don’t be shy to tell him if something isn’t working for you. He’ll know if you’re faking it and that will kill his inspiration. He’ll start doubting himself.

He likes it when you talk dirty to him, even if your words make him blush, but refrain from being vulgar. He will find it in bad taste.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs):

Anything that involves humiliation or degradation of you or himself.

Any weird kinks.

Don’t ask him to get into hard-core BDSM. He won’t do it.

Edgeplay. Anything that would hurt you is a big no for him. He loves you too much and wouldn’t bear the thought of bringing any harm upon you even if it’s consensual.

He won’t do it in public places.

Poor hygiene will definitely turn him off.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.):

He may not be very keen on the idea of oral sex at first, whether it’s giving or receiving. Poor bb is still shy even if he doesn’t want to look like it.

But he may be open-minded about it once he gets more experience with you.

He’ll get there with gentle guiding and reassurance, but don’t rush him if he isn’t ready yet. Let him go at his own pace.

Once he gets past his initial shyness, he’ll be more confident to go down on you.

He won’t mind receiving but he prefers not coming in your mouth or any other part of your body.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.):

Let’s be honest. Shaka doesn’t fuck. Ever. He’s not gonna rip off your clothes or manhandle you or use you like his plaything. That’s not his style.

Don’t get the wrong idea. Despite his cool exterior, he’s still a passionate man. It’s just that his passion burns slower than most.

He will take his time to make sure everything’s perfect so you both can take delight in the experience.

His mindset is one of enjoying the build up and the journey rather than desperately rushing to his destination.

He wants to relish in every kiss, every caress and every sound of pleasure you make, he wants to feel all of you— to reach into your soul.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.):

Quickies aren’t his thing. Shaka’s sex life isn’t very spontaneous, so suggesting him to pull off a fast one isn’t going to appeal to him.

He can control his urges and expects you to do the same. He can wait until a more appropriate time for intimacy.

Shaka needs preparation to have sex. He wants to be in the right state of mind, he needs to plan the details of that special night with anticipation, he doesn’t want to leave anything to chance or else he’ll find it difficult to be at ease.

Let him have it his way, it’ll be worth it.

Conversely, you can teach him how to be less uptight and not to fret over being flawless.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.): 

Shaka is game to experimenting as long as you talk about it beforehand, but don’t expect him to go outside his comfort zone. It’s a feat in itself that you even managed to get him laid.

He prefers sticking to what works for you both, so keep in mind he’s not very adventurous. 

But he’ll do his best to please you and will be open to suggestions on how to spicy things up in the bedroom.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?): 

It may not look like it but Shaka has a surprising amount of stamina.

Though he’s a bit slow to warm up, his passion will burn longer.

He won’t tire out easily but if you’re exhausted already he’ll let you rest. If you want to go another round, he’ll be happy to oblige.

He can last for a very long time without releasing inside you, but he’s also learned to have orgasms without ejaculating.

All that meditation and self control stuff? Well, turns out it’s helped him have a wonderful sex life with you :v

Bae can keep going all night long. You’ll sooner get exhausted before he does.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?):

He doesn’t own any toys. The only toys he knows are the ones kids use to play.

Blindfolds and restraints are okay. He’ll use them on you if that’s what you want.

He still prefers simple, intimate, vanilla sex. Less is more for him.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Shaka can be a big tease when he wants to so don’t expect him to be very merciful if you provoke him.

He loves it when you beg him like a god tho.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.): 

He’s not very loud. Shaka is always restrained about how vocal he is, but you’ll definitely hear him grunt and sigh and moan often.

He prefers listening to the sweet sounds you make.

Once he’s close to an orgasm, he can get noisier and will try to muffle his moans by biting his lips or kissing you.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character): 

At times when tending to his garden in the house of Virgo, he’s thought about making love to you under the night sky and among the flowers he’s cultivated.

Your hair covered in petals as the light of the universe shines in your eyes is a sight he wants to see in this life.

Though maybe he’ll never have the chance to tell you.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes):

Ideal size. Not too big, not too small. Proportional to the rest of this body. 

He’s got a pretty cock, honestly. Its texture is silky and when he’s hard it turns a rosy color. 

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?):

Shaka’s sex drive isn’t very high actually and, if it’s up to him, he won’t have sex very often. He’s for quality before quantity.

You may start wondering when was the last time you even had intimacy.

Don’t be surprised if it’s been 84 years.

He might as well look at the calendar and think “we haven’t done it in a while, next week may be a good time to get it on”.

His training taught him not to grow attached to his desires and he’s tremendously disciplined at that.

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have sexual desires. He just doesn’t let them control him and is not animalistic about them.

Sex isn’t the most important aspect to have a fulfilling relationship. It’s just the icing on the cake, so to speak.

What truly matters is the emotional bond you two have forged. 

You’re not an object for him.

He can live happily without any kind of sexual intimacy if that’s what you want. He won’t love you any less for it and you’ll never hear complaints or reproaches from him.

Shaka doesn’t feel guilty about wanting to make love to you. Just don’t expect him to be a sex beast ready to pounce on you any time. That won’t happen.

Shaka would have no problem if you have a higher sex drive than he does. He’ll strive to make you happy. 

If you take the initiative and try to get in his pants, as long as he’s in a private and comfortable environment where he can let go, he’ll give in. Otherwise forget it.

Plan ahead if you intend to get naughty with him. Shaka will appreciate the thoughtfulness.

Just don’t take advantage of him because as much as he enjoys sleeping with you, he’ll quickly get bored if all you think about is undressing him when you’re with him.

Don’t reduce him to a sex object for your personal gratification, he won’t be comfortable with it. Respect and love him like he does with you. 

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards): 

Shaka doesn’t fall asleep immediately.

He likes cuddling after making love.

He may have his eyes closed but he’s still awake and he’s listening to your every breath, your heart beating, he’s basking in the warmth of your gentle and blissful cosmos.

He can’t believe he has the most wonderful person in the world by his side.

Even if you both know it may not last, that the next holy war approaches fast and he’ll have to fight, you’ve made peace with it. You accept what the future holds in store for both.

However, that thought still keeps him awake at night.

But he’ll never tell you. He’ll just kiss your forehead and stroke your hair until you’re fast asleep.

                                                          * * *

Well, that’s it. I can’t believe I did this. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed (?

[hinabes]

"Flames of Creation” event story summary

aka White Truffle’s event.

Won’t be translating this one fully anytime soon at least, bc I was going to work on somen’s event and I’m going on holiday lol

The gist of it is:

White Truffle runs(?) a science/research organization, Perigord(?), and is Waffle’s teacher.

They’re tasked to create weapons that use soul power like food souls’ but can be effectively used by humans.

Waffle goes to cafe satan to borrow a food soul’s gun, and successfully rents Black Tea’s.

A some point (it’s the 4th chapter, but I think it happens chronologically before the 1st chapter,) White Truffle receives a letter from Donut talking about how she’s grateful for the support of manpower and weapons and stuff. Pretty sure it happens chronologically before all of this at least. Idk I kinda skimmed through it all lol

Story snippets:

Bits and pieces I thought interesting enough to translate. Contains gratuitous rephrasing and multiple terrible jokes, but it’s the gist of what they’re talking about.

Part 1: Waffle and White Truffle talk about making soul powered weapons for humans. (Not to be confused with chapter 1, I think this spans multiple chapters)

Waffle: Humans have basically no soul power, right? Even master attendants, with their slightly higher amount, are unable to effectively wield a food soul's weapon and damage fallen angels, isn't that a conclusion that has been reached long ago?

White Truffle: So you want to back out of the project?  Waffle: No no no wait! Teacher wait! Who said I’m backing out? I’m just worried there’s not enough funding! White Truffle: I’m funding this project, there’s no upper limit to the expenditure.  Waffle: (mr krabs voice) I'll do it! Two months, psh, piece of cake! 

Waffle: White arms or firearms? Does teacher have a preference? White Truffle: I personally prefer firearms.

//TIL cold weapons/white arms (as opposed to firearms) are weapons that don’t use combustion or “heat”. It comprises of blunt or edged melee weapons and bows/crossbows. In other words, this is White Truffle.

//Just for reference, Waffle also says she herself prefers white arms and “omg...clearly firearms are superior.......im going down wrong path.....”

Part 2: Waffle goes to cafe satan to borrow a gun. (Chapter 5)

Coffee doesn’t recognise that Waffle is a food soul at first glance, only when she took out her cube and told him.

//Of course, this isn’t that the story says word for word but I’m lazy. Just tryna convey the idea that food souls apparently can’t pick out other food souls by some sixth sense or whatever, or Coffee just sux

Waffle: (Phew...just as Compressed Biscuit said, it's alright for food souls to go on a walk-in-basis)

//Compressed biscuit also known as hardtack, which is actually a much better name that should probably be used. But compressed biscuit is also more literal and gets the idea across better. Idk I didn’t know what hardtack was before this. Is that a hashtag justsingaporeanthings or a hashtag imdumbass?

Coffee: Can I ask what you’ll be using a food soul's gun for? Waffle: Taking it apar- uh, I mean, experiments. Coffee: I think I just heard something really suspect. Black Tea walks in. Black Tea: Get me a glass of water. Also who’s the kid. Waffle: Hi oneechan can I look at your gun oneechan? Black Tea: Oh yea sure here you go. Coffee: WAIT

Waffle caresses the gun for a good half hour and rambles about “oooh these naturally formed carvings” “uwaah these runes” 

//Again, not what it says word for word. I don’t think Waffle prefers white arms anymore, not after this LMAO

Part 3: White Truffle reads Donut’s letter. (Chapter 4)

Long time no see, White Truffle. I’ve almost forgotten when we’ve last met, hope you’re still just as lively.

Let me get back to the point.

The fortifications have been constructed with the help of the troops you employed. The relief supplies have been received as well. I am grateful for your help towards the Grace Army, towards me, in these crucial moments. May God be with you, though you do not seem to particularly like me saying that. The Grace Army upholds our beliefs and doctrines as always, may the heathens not trouble you in this time, but if they do, I can only apologise on behalf of them as former peers of mine.

Also, I wish to confirm with you the suggestion to research and develop weapons, do you accept? We’re in need of more means to combat the fallen angels, and I firmly believe that food souls aren’t the only way. Humans have potential strengths that we lack, and what we should do is assist them in manifesting it. You’re different from other food souls, White Truffle, and I believe that you’re the only one who can pull this off.

Finally, give your older sister my regards.

Your friend, Donut

//Translated her whole letter bc I crave the Donut content.

White Truffle sighed, the image of that girl appearing in her mind; the last thing she was left with from when she was sighted.

//Actually word for word translation this time! Her direct reaction after reading the letter. Also she’s blind if you haven’t noticed. She gets her dog, Cherub, to fetch the letter for her and reads it with some (probably text to speech) device that she places on the physical letter. Does that mean Donut doesn’t know she became blind, or knows she has the device? Or alternatively (tech is weird in Tierra) they just don’t have any other means of conveying a message.

Ending (Chapter 6)

Waffle somehow turns the gun (a recreation, modeled after Black Tea’s, it’s not her actual gun don’t worry) into a grenade, counts that as a success and laughs like mad scientist.

//Again, not word for word. But there’s a good 2 to 3 speech bubbles where she’s just HAHAHAHAHAH IT WORKED HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

What we learned(?)

White Truffle is rich and is associated with a science organisation, Perigord, and may or may not be its founder and boss.

White Truffle is Waffle’s teacher.

White Truffle works with the Grace Army, possibly supporting them financially.

There’s a Hardtack food soul.

White Truffle has an older sister.

The above two may or may not be the same person(?)

Humans have no soul power and master attendants have a marginal amount, either due to being a MA or the reason they can be a MA.

Food souls have a use for money(?) (Waffle rented Black Tea’s gun with money if I forgot to mention)

Food souls (or just Coffee) can’t immediately tell if someone is a food soul.

Donut is good gorl

Coffee is the only sane member of cafe satan

[vyrerus]

Shadowbringers Hot Takes - Inspired by Bioandrunaway

So, here I am at work again instead of playing Shadowbringers ugh. I have completed the main story, and since I can’t stop listening to the music/craving the game, I figured I’d write my version of @bioandrunaway thing she’s been doin’ with reacting to each part of the expansion that stands out. Spoilers under the cut, this post will only go as far as the events of Northern Kholusia i.e. up the level 79 dungeon/trial.

Oh we’re gonna explore the trench near the Syrcus Tower huh. Ok Tataru.

Damn my wild curiosity. Only an honest death will cure me now!

Bye Tataru! Guess you don’t get to table top striptease Elezen boys this expansion o/

This expansion is going to kick me in the teeth several times with Haurchefant references, isn’t it?

Hey, why did I reach out for that dude’s crystal? I hate that guy. I kicked his ass so hard like 3 years ago.

Huh everything here is purple, and of course, the first inhabitant of this place I meet is a drunk wanderer. Haven’t had a Dark Night in 100 years? Well, I’m on Dark Knight right now, I think I’ve got you covered.

I didn’t have him covered. ALSO STEP OFF SYPHA, GO BACK TO CASTLEVANIA YOU STUPID HAWTIE!

Crystal Exarch huh? Dude, I recognize your lips. I RECOGNIZE YOUR FUCKING LIPS! It’s just fucking G’raha Tia, and I swear to god if I’m wrong about this, then who the fuck has identical lips to his semi unique ass MIqote face.

Crystarium is nice... except for the map being almost Yuhtunga Jungle levels of shit tier.

Also does the Crystal Exarch have a crystal dick? Asking for science.

Gotta meet the twins first huh? *immediately b-line for Alisae* What? What?! She’s best waifu!

I guess your sidequest was interesting too Alphinaud. I bet I fight that fat fuck for the 77 or 79 dungeon or some shit. Definitely seems like the antagonist for this world.

Soylent Meol is made of people, calling it now.

I’m going to have to kill the jester bitches, aren’t I?

Mrs. Chai is so pure. I guess that’s good fat people rep? I wonder if Mr. Chai was mad that Alphinaud drew her fat as she was.

Alphinaud really could make a living as an artist.

Kholusia seems really down trodden. I also keep calling it Felusia like from Star Wars, despite Felusia from Star Wars being more akin to Il Mheg. i hope the mysterious northern half makes up for the lackluster south half.

Got the twins, now we gotta save some town huh?

First dungeon is DOPE! First two bosses were Sin Eaters from Alibae’s quest. Sorry Tesleen :( FINAL BOSS IS AWESOME SHB BOSS MUSIC IS AWESOME! Also I miss convalesence and awareness.

Sypha(Lyna) told me that I took a shower in the light. Guess I know what’s on her mind we she’s staring at me with her big bunny eyes.

Night time now, all the people are in wonder. Most of them have never seen the night sky. 

Eulmore ANGREEEEEEEEEE

Crystal Dicksarch has balls of crystal.

Oh hi again Ardbert. You gonna act like we’re chums now, despite trying to split my face in half with your axe on several occasions?

Oh no, Eulmore kidnapped... Minfilia?

There have been like a dozen Minfilias? What?!

Ooh, I’m a tower guard now. Finally, I can be as majestic as the tower guards from Dragon Age 1 who help you slay the Ogre at the top of the tower.

Eulmorons are chump change. Wait, who’s this discount Mulan extra? Wait, I had 90k HP and was kicking his ass, he couldn’t touch me... and I still have 40k HP left, and I’m regening 9k HP a tic, how is this even close to over old man?

Thanks Thancred, this sure is reminiscent of that time when you saved me in Heavensward from Ardbert.

Crystal Dicksarch just cock slapped Ran Jit, and Ran Jit didn’t much care for that.

IL MHEG! YEEHAW! SO PRETTY SO MUCH HARP IN THE MUSIC OMG, ALIBAE I’M SORRY BUT URIANGER PICKED THE PERFECT PLACE TO LIVE! I WANT TO MOVE IN WITH HIM!

Toad in a tux. Always take your time on the bridge crossing, there’s no need to sprint.

Heh they tried to drown me, unaware of my ability to not need air underwater.

Dog Fae spirit people. Neat!

Gotta get the last magic mcguffin from a big fat ass Amaro who just so happens to be Ardbert’s old mount. He says our souls look the same. I’m sure that won’t come up again and is hinting on nothing strongly.

Titania boss fight is one half beauty, on half nightmare. 

Feo Ul is the new Titania, and she is a boss bitch! Gonna show those Eulmorons why it was a bad idea to come to Urianger’s neck of the woods.

You are Emet Selch huh? This point probably happened earlier, but it’s all jumbled for me now. Anyway, Emet, honey, baby, doll, tell me something I don’t know, ok?

Oh he likes to chat between CSes, neat.

We’re off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of Raktika!

Yshtola, what the fuck? Oh, I’ll have to forgive you, because of course you can’t be wrong. Whatever. I wonder how much life she’s got left to live, what with Matoya telling us her life was shorter for her forbidden magic use.

An Emet said, “Fuck this shit I’m out.”

Dark Cult #1 seems pretty nice

Dark Cult #2 is not as nice.

Ronka rhymes with Tonka. I DEMAND A RONKA TRUCK

Eulmorons back at it again. I’m pretty sure if they’d just let me kill Ran Jit now, it would save us a whole load of trouble, but alas, it’s not in this juncture of the script.

Murals! Were they painted by Bob Ross?

Yshtola go down the hole

Ran Jit go down the hole

Wouldn’t it have been kinda funny if Emet Selch gave her Ascian robes instead of the ones she had been wearing? I totally see him as the type to dig on others’ fashion choices. Also how much shorter is her life now?

Qitana Rivel is a fun dungeon. Bardam’s Mettle was better though, but hey most of the armor outta the rivel seems glammable!

See, nothing bad’s gonna happy Yshtola, you dummy! (of course, something bad is gonna happen. They have yet to let Yshtola be wrong about something)

Ok, two lightwarden’s left, but where oh where could they be? Guess we better rule out the obvious one that is Vauthry. Couldn’t possibly be him right? Guy who uses Soul Eaters for pillows, and enslaves the minds of others. I mean, we could save ourselves a lotta hassle if we just take military action to Eulmore... but alas, it’s not at this juncture of the script either!

TO THE DESERT! WE GOTTA GET “MINFILIA” Minfilia’s powers!

Oh we’ll have to go on the west side huh? Ok. 

So uh, why go to all this trouble the ride the trolley? Why not just follow the track and blow the gate open? Ah well, guess we gotta beat up and then befriend some plucky miner fellows and bring hope back to the land while we’re at it.

Oh this was all so they could reference Minerfilia. Oh and so we could bore Emet Selch. That’s ok, he’s dicks out for the Crystal Dicksarch anyway.

Jesus Christ, I think I’ve been fighting Discount Shan Yu for almost as long as the A3S fight was back in Gordias Savage. Aaaaaand... he’s still not dead. 

Thancred, if you die, I will use a phoenix down on you, just so I can kill you again.

“Minorfilia” got Minerfilia’s undefined powers, but now her eyes are grey and her hair is red! AND THEY EVEN GAVE HER A NEW NAME! Ryne it is then, you precious cinnabon.

She can now see Sin Eaters and Lightwarden aether, neat. Oh it’s underground huh? In the mine that was mentioned earlier huh. OK! 

Heh I haven’t seen this mechanic since Alexander Prime. THe Heavensward references are out in the sun!

Oooh that’s a spicy meatball, and I’ve got GERD at this point yuck. Yshtola be like, I TOLD YA, DIDN’T I TELL YA? But it’s ok, just hang on, Urianger said he had something up his sleeve.

Finally we’re taking the fight to Eulmore!

Huh all the people are attacking us in the name of Vauthry and they’re moving like zombies. Well, no big deal if we do kill them, but I guess we gotta be goodie goodies.

Oh, would you look at that,  Meol is made of mutated people. WITH GOT CITAN UZUKI’D IN SOYLENT GREEN REFERENCE

And finally, Ran Jit is... incapacitated? is he actually dead? I hope so. I’ll have to come back and find out later I suppose.

Vauthry appears to be a stress eater, but oh hey, there it is. He’s also a Soul Eater. 

More Talos shenanigans. BOOM ELEVATOR!

We did all that and there was a secret town up here with a secret tunnel to and from the bottom all along. Well, at least we rallied the Eulmorons out of their indolence.

LALI HO! Do female dwarves have beards? In some of the CSes with Ardbert, I’m pretty sure their WHM looked Dwarven and had a beard...

Dude the Crystal Dicksarch can cover and cast flare while wielding a WHM cane. What a fucking bad ass, why does he even need me?

“This idea is absurd, it’d take all of the people of Norvarandt just to have a chance of pulling it off!” WoL and crew respond by getting everyon ein Norvarandt. “Well uhh, shit I guess we’ll give it a go. Damn. Who the fuck are you people?” I’m with you on this one Mr. Chai. Who the fuck am I? ALPHINAUD AND ASSISTANTS MOTHALOVAH!

BEEG YOSHI

Bad ass dungeon! Cool ass bosses!

Eww I have to fight Vauthry now. Eww.

Dick move Emet, DIck Move.